What Happens in Cartagena, Stays in Cartagena: 10 Things that are not Coming to the US Anytime Soon

·         1. Old, healthy people

• ·         It’s like walking around Palm Beach, Florida, old people are everywhere. And I mean old. Both families I’ve lived with have several members in their 90s and some in their 100s. And unless dirt is the newfound elixir of youth, it’s definitely not the water they’re drinking. I attribute it to something more along the lines of lack of stress. Take the three ladies I live with now: how stressed can you really be when your biggest problems for the last 30 years have been re-sowing ripped nightgowns, a lack of chairs when too many family members are at the house, and power outages cutting into your soap opera time?
• I have yet to meet and have only heard of two people with cancer whereas many in the US have an immediate family member or close friend affected. I’m puzzled why… either the rate of diagnosis is higher in the US or it’s all those things we use and consume (from cell phones to processed, hormonal induced food) that are the culprits.

·       2.  Lack of political correctness

•   Super Kike is everywhere. Below is the paint store, Super Kike. There is also a Super Kike hair dresser around the corner along with a Kike Auto, and Kike Mattress store.

• Hitler parades through the streets at Carnival.

•    Blackface also appears at carnival. But the racism doesn’t stop there; they also howl and move like apes and monkeys. 

• When I want something from the food stand at school, I ask the lady “Negrita, yo quisiera…” or “Black lady, I would like…” Everyone refers to her as La Negrita; I have no idea what her actual name is.

·         3. Soup

• ·         It’s 95 degrees and humid outside and every single lunch what do people prefer?... a boiling bowl of soup. Wow, it is possible for me to sweat even more.
• ·         It’s 4am after a night of dancing, and instead of eating a pizza or hamburger where do my Colombian friends take me?... to get a hot soup. Hearty… not.

·         4. Machismo is rampant in the coast.

• ·         Not to imply that cheating happens more in Colombia, but it is much more out in the open. Often, a married man proposing an affair acknowledges his wife and children. Wives are aware that husbands have entire other families. A guy will get a girl’s name, find her on facebook and ask her out, even though his facebook says he’s engaged and has pictures with his fiancé. 
• ·         The macho-ness is balanced out in surprising ways. Men get manicures, shave their armpits, and gel their hair. A common go-to for clothing is a tight Abercrombie and Fitch or Hollister t-shirt, usually bedazzled with rhinestones, and tight jeans, usually faded. Men often drink light beer and Smirnoff Ice. The mountain man, bearded, baggy pants type would be mistaken for a homeless bum (or deadlocked, smelly backpacker—clean cut, perfumed Costenos are grossed out by these dirty tourists).

·         5. High-expectations of my responsibility have plummeted

• ·         Whenever I forget to do something or complete a task incorrectly, it’s never my fault. “You poor, confused gringa who didn’t understand Spanish, ay pobrecita.” Furthermore, nodding, smiling and/or responding “si” over and over again will get me through anything.

·         6. Clothing styles

• ·         Graphic-t’s in English are all the rage, no matter what they say. To my neighbor’s quincienera birthday party one guy wore a t-shirt that said “FUCK YOUR CLIQUE” while another’s said “CLUB 69 SEX”. T-shirts can also be less obvious and slightly more confusing such as “I CAN SLEEP”, “I AM HONEY COOL”, or “NEW YORK AWESOME CHICK FLIRT.”
• ·         If you’ve got it, flaunt it. “It” can mean anything, from a six pack to beer belly. Tight clothes are in. And these people have got some curvaceous figures, so we’re talking serious skin clenching constriction. No shame: thunder thighs stuffed into white spandex, love handles above and butt cheeks below booty shorts, cleavage galore. Canadian tuxedos, or jean top/jean bottoms, are also very popular, skin-tight of course. I’ve got to hand it to them on their self-confidence; I think that it’s great. Body image in general is so different here. Whereas in the US when someone comments “you look skinny” it is always a compliment, in Cartagena it goes something like this “you look skinny… are you sick? What’s wrong with you?” One of my personal favorite people watching activities is “arepa belly or pregnant?” The game is simple: look at the skin-tight shirt on the women walking by and try and determine if her stomach underneath is a fried food baby or if she’s actually with child. It’s much more difficult than you’d think. Another popular pastime is “real or silicone”, and applies to both boobs and butts.

·         7. Cold, cool or even warm temperatures

• ·         Nothing new in terms of still feeling hot when it’s 100 degrees outside; however, cold is now 75 degrees. It’s true, when at a hotel in Barranquilla recently, I had to turn up the air conditioning as it was set at an uncomfortably cold 24 degrees C (aka 75 degrees F).
• ·         And heaven forbid you are confronted with a temperature below 75! After working out I am not allowed to take a cold shower (hot water does not exist) before waiting at least 30 minutes. It is also frowned upon to open the refrigerator and get myself a glass of cold water, and instead someone preferably gets it for me. The change in temperature would make me sick, obviously.

·         8. Rattails and mullets

·         9. Brutal honesty

• ·         “Why do you always wear black, are you depressed because you left your family?” “Let me bring you some medicine that works great to get rid of that disgusting zit on your face.” “Do you want me to find you a boyfriend since you can’t?” “Your arm looks really fat in that picture, you shouldn’t stand like that anymore.” “Why are you still so pale?” I’ve never liked passive aggressiveness and am often too blunt myself, but this really takes it to a new, brutal level.

·         10. Noise and the complete obliviousness to it. It’s very entertaining for me to imagine the freak-outs Americans would have in the following situations:

• ·         It’s 5am, the sun has not risen and a group of 20 are doing exercise aerobics in a park. All houses in the surrounding 5 block radius are subjected to the BLASTING techno music. And if it’s not techno music at 5am it’s something: horns honking, chickens clucking, the neighbor making breakfast and singing Rihanna at the top of her lungs…
• ·         My neighbor is mentally disabled. His name is Jesus and is an incredibly sweet, endearing boy; however, it is not so endearing when people bring him horns or noise makers for presents. Whyyyy?!? We’re talking 6am-9pm of CONSTANT, loud horn sounds.
• ·         There are at least 700 students in the school at one time. The facility is not that big and all classrooms are filled, usually with 30-40 students. There is no open space except for the triangular, concrete area in the middle of all classrooms. This is where PE takes place. You try making conjugating the verb “to be” more exciting than watching the kickball game outside.
• ·         Parties are almost always accompanied by LOUD music, usually via gigantic “picos” or large speakers that boom into the morning. My old landlord Patty would be up to her ears in noise complaints. In such cases, people cannot talk because the music is so loud, thus meaning they sit there, gaze at each other, drink, and eventually dance. Nevertheless, this has advantages for my gringa-self as it’s a break for my brain from Spanish and furthermore gets more liquid confidence flowing through my veins so that I can dance.